Three Villains Walk into a Bar

A necromancer, a demon lord, and a mad artificer walk into a bar together. They each select a drink. The necromancer orders a Red Death Cocktail. The demon lord orders a Golden Devil. The mad artificer orders a Smoking Banana. They each sit back and regale one another with their tales of world conquest. The nuisance of being thwarted by heroes is a bygone conclusion in their particular profession but there are some challenges known only to those who possess grandiose schemes. 

“It is so hard to keep good minions,” complains the necromancer. 

“At least you can stitch yours back together,” grunts the demon lord, “I can’t tell you how much time and money I waste on summoning circles.” 

The mad artificers just smiles. 

”Gentleman,” he says, “I once thought as you did and I can tell you that every time a group of adventurers spoiled my evil plans, I would spend months rebuilding my constructs until it occurred to me that what I needed was something that couldn’t break. So I made a collar of immortality. I slapped it on a few goblins and I haven’t had to buy one more cog than I needed ever since.”

“Doesn’t that give too much power to the goblins?” asks the necromancer. “If I leave a zombie alone long enough it turns into a ghoul and then I have to put it down and start over.”

“Too true,” adds the demon. “Every time I find a useful imp the darned thing evolves into a spined devil and then it demands a pay raise.”

“That’s the beauty of it,” says the mad artificer. “My collars make sure they don’t die but they don’t grow either. Durability and pliancy all in one box. I call them mendable minions”

“A marvelous invention,” says the impressed necromancer. “I’ll take a dozen.”

“Make that two dozen,” chimes the demon lord. “I dare say, you could make a business out of this.”

And the rest, as they say, is history. Thus was Bombadee’s Magical Baubles and Knicknacks born. It began in the humble tower of a self-proclaimed mad artificer named Bombadee Grimble who opted to end his own plans for world conquest in order to create and sell useful tools to his villainous friends to help them achieve their ruthless ambitions. Soon, Bombadee expanded his product line beyond evil devices to include all sorts of novelty products designed to thrill, chill, and amuse the world.

Bombardee’s Magical Baubles and Knicknacks

Villainous Line

Mending Minion – This fantabulous device allows you to keep your favorite minions alive and well no matter how much damage they receive. No more having to train and cow new minions when the old ones just keep coming back. It’s a literal lifetime of service in a beautiful bronze collar guaranteed to save you money and time. Name tags are provided for an additional cost

Laser Sharks – Is your moat lacking a sufficient guardian? Why settle for a regular humdrum water elemental or a pack of boring piranha when you get a shark with lasers? Sure it’s an abomination and an abhorrence against nature but imagine the surprise on a would-be invader’s face when they get blasted and eaten by your brand new amazing laser shark.

Inflatable Clone – You are a busy evil overlord. You can’t be everywhere at once and the world doesn’t conquer itself after all. As such, you don’t need to invest your time finding those pesky heroes in order to share your evil monologues with them. Why not record a few and leave them at strategic locations so as to properly demoralize anyone foolish enough to stand in your way. Our inflatable clones will look and sound just like you and can even engage in some witty banter. Choking Hazard Warning: Inflatable clones come in tiny pill form and may cause choking and/or death if swallowed. Use only as directed.

Unwanted Guest Chair – You know the types: The annoying braggart who wants to monologue. The freeloader who has overstayed their welcome. The pitiful local who seems to think they can beg a boon. Wouldn’t it be nice to just snap your fingers and send them away? Well, now you can with our patented unwanted guest chair. It looks and feels comfy but on your command it will teleport whoever is sitting on it to a location of your choice. We suggest a nice moat or even prison cell. Note: The teleportation target cannot be changed once set and is limited to a one mile distance.

Wisp Lamp – They are kooky and all together spooky. The wisp lamp comes in a wide variety of designs and each one includes your very own captured wisp. Since they are undead, they never need recharging or replacing. The light they shine is monochromatic and has the wonderful side effect of confusing the viewer. Stick them in a hedge maze and your victims will spend hours walking in circles. Stick them in your hallways and they will unnerve and intimidate your visitors. Get them while they are hot or not since the light they give is as cold as your heart.